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I’m trying. Day 1.

I’m trying. I am. Today, I’m trying.  I am going to do it. Why? Because I am glorious. Glorious – possessing or deserving of glory.  That’s me.  Today I start. Truly. I start.

What is distracting me?  Myself. I am my biggest distraction. I can’t blame social media. I can’t blame TV. I blame me. Me. I doubt. I falter. But, that changes today. I have no idea why today. But who cares. It changes.

I have mighty plans. Mighty plans, indeed. I’m not listing them all here, but I am a’changin’.

And, you guessed it. This is one of those plans that I have.  I have had this blog for who-knows-how-long.  I think about this blog frequently. But, thinking doesn’t make me glorious, now, does it?

This is making me glorious. Therefore, I am pleased to welcome all of my new readers. I know you are in similar situations. We are busy. We are all busy. But, we can’t let ourselves distract ourselves.  I struggle with this. But, I am pleased to announce that I no longer am allowing myself to be a distraction. I am focused. I am meditating and  asking myself to give myself some grace. I need the focus. I do not need to distract myself.

I have mantras to help guide me. I am glorious. I am changing. I am enlightened. I am vibrating at a high frequency.

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calm by my husband

(stumpy) christ of the ozarks

There are some pretty intense things going on at work. That means it’s intense for us. We work really hard to keep it all out of our home. We DO talk about it – it’s just not something we talk out loud in front of the wee one.

I am nervous about it.

The hubby isn’t.  I don’t know how he does it. But, he is headstrong and focused. I get stressed when he starts talking about all of it.  He’s seen this pattern, and consequently, he’s pulled back on it. Not that it’s a bad thing – I mean, who wants to sit around and talk about work all night long?  We want to have family time!

But, I am utterly calmed by him. With anything. Not just this. But, this is the pattern.  I stress. I go to him. He assures me.  Relief.  I know I’m supposed to put my faith in God and know that Christ will take care of everything. But, seriously, isn’t it normal to at least FEEL something. I mean, if we’re nervous or anxious, I think that’s ok. We can still KNOW that God is in control.  It’s like a roller coaster, right?  I can SEE the twists and turns. I know I am safe in my harness, but I get a bit nervous going up that first big hill, right? Don’t we all?  I mean, it’s normal. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling nervous. I don’t want it to mean that I distrust God or His will. Because I DO trust him. I totally KNOW that things will be fine. I really do. But, I still get an upset tummy thinking about all of it.   Now, I am ultimately calmed by God.  Not just my husband. But, in the moment that we are having a serious discussion, I sometimes get stressed and need for Mark to reach over, hold my hand, and look at me with those eyes of his, and say, “It’s going to be ok. I’ll take of you.”  In my private moment I rely on God to do this.

I am thankful to have such an amazing husband in my life. I am thankful that God still smiles down on me. I am nervous. But, I’m calmed.

disappointed by “friends”

I had something occur within the last week that saddened me. Actions by some people I call “friends”. I’m not going in to the logistics of it all, but my friends behaved in a manner that shocked me. Nonetheless, it made me look at some things.

First off, I started to look online for advice/reasons/ or something. I found a few things that helped me. One site talked about putting your hope in OTHERS rather than putting your hope in God. For me, I was really expecting my friends to behave a certain a way. When they didn’t, I was disappointed. I can’t control my friends or their behaviors. I just need to put my faith in God and not others. OTHERS won’t bring me happiness, only God can. He never disappoints.  Not that I need to EXPECT disappointment from others, but I need to know that I can’t assume people will behave the way I think they would behave.

And, it’s also made me re-think my relationships with these women.  I thought they would help me in the same way I’ve helped them.  I was wrong. So, they obviously aren’t the type of people I thought they were. They were given plenty of opportunities, so I know scheduling wasn’t an issue. I am not going to confront them. I will continue being friends with them, but I know better what I CAN and CAN NOT count on them for.

 

Usually I am a Monday-lover. I know some people think that’s crazy. But, I really do love Mondays.

Sunday

Sunday (Photo credit: ex.libris)

So, I’m just not feeling it today. I think there are basically two reasons. I slept poorly on Saturday night.  That made my entire Sunday a drag. Saturday night I had Atlantis in bed with me and the kitty. Mark had to go to the couch.  So, I was there competing for my own pillow. And, because I was out-of-it all day Sunday, I took a nap. A GREAT nap. For an hour and a half. I didn’t move once!  Then, I thought I would have a hard time falling asleep, but nope. I was starting to get sleepy around 10. But, I was SO congested from allergies that I took a Benadryl. And those things wipe me out!  So, now, I ‘m a bit of a fog again. And, it’s making me not like my Monday. It’s making me want to sleep.  And not do things on my list.  This isn’t like  me.

I know I will return to normal very soon.Probably tomorrow. But, tonight. Tonight I have a show. Yikes. I will muster up the energy, then I will be drained. You know, that may be what I need.  We’ll see.

again with the awkwardness

English: Photograph of abdomen of a pregnant woman

Let me set this up for you.  Yesterday at work we had a big luncheon get-together. You know, they grilled hamburgers, we all got together. Fellowship. So, I head over there.  I sat with a co-worker from my department.  She is 5 months pregnant with her first. Shortly after we sat down, another co-worker stopped by. This woman is recently back from maternity leave after her second baby.  So, that momma had to come over and rub the pregnant woman’s belly.  Anyway, they started talking about pregnancy. I’m fine with that. I listened, I smiled, I nodded, I raised my eyebrows at appropriate times. And it went on and on. I finished my hamburger. I finished my chips. I finished my bottle of water. Then I proceeded to remove the label from my water bottle.

At one point I glanced up and the momma that had just returned from maternity leave caught my eyes. And in a SPLIT second. I mean, seriously – beyond nanoseconds. She suddenly realized she was talking to me about pregnancy. Me!  Then she stopped mid-sentence. She fumbled for some words, then awkwardly sputtered, “So, how is Atlantis doing?”  The pregnant momma turned her head to me – she was very confused. Why in the world did this other woman suddenly stop talking mid-sentence and turn to me to ask about my daughter?  With a scrunched up face she looked at me, and guess what? She caught on suddenly. So there I am with a water bottle wrapper in my hands and two mommas who are dripping with pity for me.  Lovely.

I smiled and said very quickly, “She’s just great.  How are your little ones?”  Then it was ok. Those two felt better. They sighed and went on talking. Whew – they didn’t stress out the infertile woman.  They were relieved. I, however, slowly gathered my mess and mumbled something about a meeting and smiled really big and left.  There was no meeting. I just really needed to get out of there.

Yes, it can be awkward. But, it’s only awkward when others make it that way.  Then I feel self-conscious.  Then I feel like a dork.  But, what can I do?